by Dave Zornow
With news that Egypt is slaughtering that nation’s pigs to guard against a disease named after but not spread by swine, New York City Health Commissioner Bud Hackincoff has asked Mayor Bloomberg to seal the borders of the Big Apple to travelers speaking Pig Latin.
Customs officials at Newark, LaGuardia and JFK airports welcomed the extra security measure. “This is a common sense policy like limiting liquids to four ounces or less. We can’t take any chances,” said one TSA official.
Frightened passengers were pulled from airplanes and quarantined while officials decided their fate. “Eway on’tday avehay ethay inesway uflay,” said one distraught passenger adding “Ouyay eoplepay areway eallyray upidstay,” before duct tape was stretched across his mouth as a necessary public health precaution.
NYC Health officials are also considering additional measures designed to combat human viruses that spread as if they were computer viruses. Subway officials will issue 30 centimeter sticks to properly create a sneeze-proof space for rush hour riders. And the NYC Department of Health will ask the parents of young girls to temporarily forgo their pigtails to show solidarity for the sick.
In a separate development, Sesame Street has announced it will no longer broadcast episodes “brought to you by” the letters and numbers H, 1 and N.
See also: PoliticalIrony.com